Using my habits to train people around me

[dennisgorelik]

Problem
I do not like when people lie or trick me. In particular, I do not like when people pretend that they understood me, when, in fact, they simply ignored what I said. Misunderstanding kills productive conversations.

Solution
Here come my habits.
Normally I do not allow myself to get angry during discussion. For example, I do not allow myself to get angry toward the person who disagrees with me.
But I allow myself to get angry in discussion in one particular case.
When person pretends that he understands me, but repeatedly misunderstands me - I allow myself to get angry about it.
I do not always get angry though. If I do not care much about person I talk with - I do not get angry. Instead I just start ignoring that person and do not pay attention to what they say.
So, I pretty much have that as a habit now: get angry or automatically lose interest to the person who repeatedly misunderstands me (while pretending they understand).
That trains people around me to either be open about the fact that they misunderstood me and timely ask me for clarifications ... or simply stay away from me (or at least do not speak with me on the topics when they do not understand my reasoning).
Either way it is good for me: less empty chit-chats and more insightful and productive conversations.

Comments

[juan-gandhi.livejournal.com]

Wow. Anger management.
Careful. You can as well cross a lot of boundaries when people just don't care, but you do.

And of course thinking that you know when someone understand you and when someone does not, it's a little bit too arrogant, I'm afraid. You just may not understand whether they understand you or not.

[dennisgorelik]

> when people just don't care, but you do.

If people do not care and show that they do not care - I respect that and simply do not talk with them on topics they do not care about.

If people pretend that they care, and pretend that they understand me - I do not like that and do not want to talk with them at all.

> understand you and when someone does not, it's a little bit too arrogant

I am usually right when I am sure that person misunderstood me.
I am not always right about it, of course. But then it usually means I misunderstood that person myself (like you said). And frequently that means there was some obfuscating trickery involved anyway (so my anger is at least somewhat justified).

How do you think I should react in case when I believe that person ignores what I say (while pretending that he understands me)?

[juan-gandhi.livejournal.com]

Take it easy. You own nobody.

[dennisgorelik]

Take it easy and do what?
Keep talking?

[juan-gandhi.livejournal.com]

Oh, do whatever you like.

[dennisgorelik]

Are you suggesting to throw away long-term planning and just blindly follow my desires?

[juan-gandhi.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a plan.

[yatur.livejournal.com]

The key for productive conversation is to know when to shut up and let them talk. This way you know how much they understood. I find that if I just keep talking (which I frequently do), most people quickly become overwhelmed by the deluge of information and lose track. So, they are left with no other viable option than to nod mechanically and silently "agree" with everything I say. It does get frustrating when I find out I had been talking to a wall for the last N minutes, but usually this is my own fault.

Let other person speak

[dennisgorelik]

I agree with your technique and actually practice it myself (do not allow myself to speak for too long, especially on complex topics).
If I speak for too long I start instinctively suspect that person on receiving end of my speech already zoned off.
So I usually end up with a question that tests the understanding.
Unfortunately it's not always easy to quickly come up with creative testing question.
So if I resort to pathetic "Do you understand what I'm saying?" - I interpret any hesitation as the sign that they did not understand. That means that speaking for too long was own fault.

But if person confidently assures me that he understands - then they share the blame for misunderstanding.

Re: Let other person speak

[gineer.livejournal.com]

\\...then they share the blame for misunderstanding.

Heh... its so much easy in your world. %)