Mar. 5th, 2017

dennisgorelik: (Default)
Meet Matt:
1) Advanced Artificial Intelligence researcher.
2) Created the best data compression algorithm for 7-Zip (and made a small fortune in process).
3) Smart.
4) Open.
5) Honest.
6) In a great physical shape:

- Does Yoga:

- Runs marathons and super-marathons:

7) Social and nice to people.

You may assume that Matt is so good that he has no problem with having a satisfying love life.

But that is not the case.

Matt is 61 and so far he had two love relationships:
1) At 37 [sic!] Matt met and eventually married Joan.
Joan was much older than Matt, was verbally abusive and refused sex for the last several years of their relationship - until her death from a stroke.

2) For the last 5 months Matt dated Karen and describes that relationship as the happiest of my life

Karen left Matt (and Florida) for her daughter in Maine.

I was socially inept until my 20's and single until I met Joan at 37. We had an emotionally abusive marriage for 22 years before she died 3 years ago. We fought and yelled all the time until the neighbors would call the police. She was depressed, held resentments, and was never happy, which is a common problem among sober alcoholics from alcoholic families. She also had PTSD and nightmares and became extremely racist after a black man broke into her home and raped her years before we met. She hated people, especially men, especially all my friends and family, and most especially me. When my mother would send me a birthday card, she would get the mail first, write vile obscenities on the envelope and send it back before I saw it. She would walk up to fat people, complete strangers, and tell them they were fat and they should die. Maybe it was her insecurity about her fitness. She was very goal oriented, got a Ph.D. in psychology, set perimeter bicycling world records (24 countries), indoor rowing records (33M meters), and completed Ironman 3 times. I saw her 5K times go from 21 minutes to over an hour as her health deteriorated before she died at 76. Maybe she hoped that people would like her for her accomplishments but it doesn't work that way. She refused to let me have time with friends. She would get enraged if I wanted to go to a fun run or if I didn't leave a race immediately after she got her award. She refused sex with me for the last several years of her life. When she died I should have grieved, but it felt more like I was let out of prison.

I don't know why I didn't leave her. I was always mystified when I would read about women that stayed with abusive men, but now I realize it works both ways. I don't like being single, but dating scares the shit out of me. On the list of things I want to do, dating ranks between hiring a lawyer and cancer surgery. I don't know why women think it is easy for men to meet women to date.

But I tried anyway. Karen was the first to show any interest in me after being single for over 2 years. Our time together was wonderful. She likes my friends and I like hers. If I ever did anything to piss her off, she would let me know right away and we would resolve it, instead of holding a resentment and bringing it up years later. I can trust her completely, something that Joan never did for me because so many other people had let her down in her drinking days. I still love Karen and I keep hoping she will change her mind and come back. But if she doesn't I will have to accept it and move on.

That story is quite impressive and made me think.
Here is my analysis:
1) It is not enough to be a perfect man in order to have a good love relationship.
You have to actually find a good match.
2) In order to find a match you have to put an effort into matchmaking:
- Think about how and where to find the right person.
- Put time and effort into actual search.
- Convince that person to stay with you.
- Train yourself to handle rejection (not everyone who you consider a good match would consider yourself a good match, but until you ask - you may not know).
3) That lesson can be applied not only to romantic relationships, but to all other relationships: work, (jobs and business), hobbies and friendship.

What do you think: is ability to make new relationships an important skill?


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Dennis Gorelik

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